Jun 282016

If you want to get on the first page of all time appearances, you need to start playing twice a week.  That’s exactly what Lewis “Teen Wolf” Whittenbury has been doing for the last season and a half and is almost there.  After a massive 29 matches in 2015, Lewis has already played 21 this year.  He has also now joined the revered 100 club in his 5th season at the club.


Now he just needs a player profile!

May 042015

Born and raised playing soccer on the rolling plains of London’s Hackney Marshes (allegedly the spiritual home of soccer), Matt knew he was destined for stardom from a young age.

Beginning his career as a pimply faced 17 year old with his local church Sunday school side in division 17 of the  Ex-Lax sponsored Hackney Sunday Pub League, Matt soon had the scouts (East Hackney Boy Scouts Brigade) flocking to admire his silky skills and range of one pass.

After a stand out season in 2009 (38 games, one goal and one assist), the Uni Whites made their move.  A long, drawn out transfer process saw the Whites break the bank and Steve Saf’s heart by trading six bottles of pale ale, on transfer deadline day, for the fleet footed midfielder’s creative vision, wizardry and trickery.

Hackney Marshes, the burnt out cars, abandoned fridges and the odd dead body on a pitch were soon a thing of the past, as Matt set about unlocking Collegiate League defences with his renowned range of one pass.

Outside of soccer Matt is a successful documentary writer and film directory. Some of his best work involves titles such as the Debbie Does Series, Harry Slotter and the Philosophers Bone, Shaving Ryan’s Privates and Skippy the Bush Kangaroo.

Matt also claims to have starred in the war time soccer classic Escape to Victory, as the stunt doubles for soccer legends Pele, Ossie Ardiles, John Wark and Sylvester Stallone (?).

As the years ticked by age began to take its toll on the body of the fifty (something) year old.  Following a glittering career in the A and B sides of the ‘Glamour’ Matt sought to prolong his playing days by dropping down the sides to ply his trade with the Whites C grade.

Bringing with him his now creaking right foot and crumbling body, Matt soon began to find his range of one pass and vision (with the main benefactor in chief of this being former White ‘Leg End’ and goal getter Richie Harris).

Sadly, Richie was lured away by the bright lights of Sydney at the end of the 2014 season and Matt became withdrawn and distant. A lone sad figure often found in the changing rooms, knees pulled tightly to his chest cradling and smelling a superman T-Shirt in memory of his departed team mate.

For a while it was touch and go if Matt would return to the Whites in 2015 or hang up the boots in honour of Richie.

To the delight of a few (?), Matt returned and (to date) can still be seen breaking forward from midfield on an odd occasion before breaking down full stop and hobbling off.

Apr 272015

Matt joined the mighty Whites in a controversial deal, after a long stint at Wimbledon ended with an altercation with fellow ‘hard man’ Vinnie Jones that saw Hawyes shipped off to the Antipodes, whilst Jones’ was sent to the US to become a B-grade actor.

The White’s C’s quickly snaffled Matty up & his impact was immediate. An intimidating figure in goals, Matty was soon marshalling the (sometime ragged) troops in defence & scaring the bajesus out of opposition strikers. This was important, because the C’s were largely a gentle lot & were badly in need of a bit of hardness.

Hawyes’ keeping was solid, but his ‘all-out attack on the opposition’ playing style meant he missed as many games as he played.

In 2014 then, after yet another injury (this time at work – chasing down a stolen car on foot & stopping it in its tracks) he switched his role to coach, as one half of the now infamous “Hot Fuzz” (along with Jacko) the team saw immediate success & were the only team to knock off the champions last season – Hawyes now refers to himself as the “Special One” (No, that’s not Jose Mourinho) after masterminding their downfall.

Matt’s passion for football knows no bounds & he leaves no stone unturned during the week when trying to work out his best team & tactics. This means long sessions on the phone with his ‘brains trust’. Ask any of the senior members of the C squad, some of the junior members, neighbours, close friends and even slight acquaintances who is the most likely to call them to talk tactics during the week… It’s Haweysey.

This season, the “Hot Fuzz” have completely revolutionised C Grade football & their squad’s mix of youth, experience & aggression mean the boys are gunning for the title.  With the Special One involved, who wouldn’t back them to do it?

 Posted by at 3:27 pm
Apr 142015

Born and raised with a stern Eastern block up-bringing Jacko spent his early years helping Uncle Yuri establish the family potato farm business in Uzbekistan.

Sixteen hours a day, seven days a week 365 days a year, rain or shine Jacko could be found in the families potato fields harnessed to a plough.

Raised the right way by Uncle Yuri the big man began to understand the real importance of life – Soccer, a woman with good child bearing hips and Potato Vodka.

What little spare time Jacko had he spent wondering the fields honing his ball skills and performing Keepie Uppies with a Morris Piper potato.

A booming surge in the family business saw Jacko migrate to South Australia, via Christmas Island, to assist Uncle Yuri in his quest for global expansion and ultimately world wide domination of the potato industry.

But Jacko became disillusioned with potatoes and began to have other dreams and other visions of glory and greatness.

Driven by his burning desire to succeed on the soccer pitch Jacko said his goodbyes to Uncle Yuri and set out on his own forging a career across the State and Federation Leagues of South Australia.

The big man quickly established himself as a robust no nonsense type of centre back with a smattering of finesse. Built on the ethos of hit hard, then harder the big fella enjoyed a ‘stella’ career. That was until he discovered Canadian Club and age caught up with him.

Stood at that inevitable cross roads in life that all old farts reach, bottle of Canadian Club in hand, the big man contemplated hanging up the boots and returning to work in the family fields.

That was until he saw the light.  A small tiny flame at first that grew stronger and stronger and brighter and brighter. Like the proverbial moth to a flame the big man was drawn to the light and found himself stood on the hallowed turf of ‘Le Glamour’.

Joining in 2014 as part of a new ‘yoof’ development policy Jacko quickly established himself as a starting centre back for the new look C team, and within four games had climbed to the dizzy heights of a coach.

What followed in 2014 is the stuff fairy tales are made of or for some nightmares as the C Team gave rise to the management duo ‘Hot Fuzz’.

Memories of 2014 quickly became distorted in a Canadian Club fuelled haze as the big man set about leading from the front and helping establish ‘Le Glamour’ as a force to be reckoned within the lower echelons of the Collegiate League.

Who knows what 2015 and beyond holds….







Mar 262014

Anthony first arrived at the Uni Whites in the pre-season draft of 2001 – a year which also netted fellow Blacky boys, now super-stars Dan Bushe, Hayden Smith, Julian Malone & Sabbir Gaffar. John Whitehouse quickly spotted Anthony’s talent & immediately put him to work rotating from striker to the bench and back.

Not surprisingly, Anthony quickly became disillusioned with his lot at the whites, as one game he’d start and play a blinder, while the next week he’d be warming the bench. As enigmatic as Anthony’s career on the field was, it was equally so off it. Anthony was renowned for ‘going missing’, sometimes for seasons at a time. The hardest part for the Whites management was trying to keep their young charge focussed, as women, partying & wine appreciation were amusing distractions, resulting in just a handful of games played each season.

In 2007 though, the wild man appears to have subsided, and with it, his erratic strikers temperament. Instead we see the fiercely determined, tough as nails defender, who’s only love is to stand behind the ½ way line, repelling attack after attack, his only desire to kick the ball as far as he can. Gone are the mazy runs through the midfield, the dodges, the parries… Now starts a new chapter in the amazing soccer career of the man known as the Enigma, the life of a defender…

 Posted by at 9:10 pm
Mar 262014

Some might say the highlight of the 2010 season was the renaissance of our first team; having courageously held top spot for the first half of the season. Others have argued it was Crab’s amazing feats to re-engineer his body back to A grade.

I respectfully disagree.

As this millennium kicked on to double digits; the troops dirty from the toils of yester year’s battles and the WAG’s starving for fresh eye-candy… the so-called glamour might have gone a bit stale. But alas, the answer to our troubles lay in one-letter…G! (not to be confused with the ‘spot’).

With a drop of the shoulder and a swing of the left foot, defenders, goal-keepers and drunken hoes on Hindley Street are left with no reasonable chance of survival! Like a cultured aristocrat, G relies on copious amounts of French-Pussy (the drink, not to be confused with anything else), close ball control and frightening power to beat this opponent.

Having notched an amazing 13 goals in all competitions so far this season, time will tell just how far this one-letter man from the south of France will go.

It’s been reported that G is determined to keep his girls to goals ratio at 1:1 by end of season, to which he stated “I’ll have to score HEAPS more goals!”

Mar 262014

Beefy Thornett is a Uni Whites legend from way back, and despite a chequered history, he can truly be considered to be one of the true believers.

In his early days at the Whites, Steve played in the old black and grey chequered shirt as if there was no tomorrow as he streaked up and down the field like a bolt of lightning. Combining with Armin to score multiple goals, Steve was a hero to many, and an enigma to all. The fact he was bosom bodies with Alex and John Whitehouse was a concern to many of us, but we were willing to forgive him… until…

…his name became mud at the Whites for a few years when he jumped ship to go and play for one of the evil empires at the Blues, who promptly won the triple crown, mainly thanks to his goal scoring efforts.

Beefy did not come out of this era unscathed of course as he found that he had many stud marks down the back of his legs, compliments of Jan, Dave Sampson and anyone else from the Whites that was quick enough to get close enough to him to foul him. As many of us would know, Beefy spends a lot of his time on the soccer field on the ground, but this reached new levels of absurdity in his games against the Whites as he became target number one.

The highlight of Steve’s years at the Blues was the cup semi final between the Whites and the Blues, when the Blues were leading 1-0 with two minutes to go, until up popped Jim Vinecombe to score two goals and send the Blue’s packing. Steven had never been happier and the Whites laughed really hard too.

Time passed of course and then Beefy realised the error of his ways, and he came home to where he truly belonged. A person can only take so much of Chris Hartley you know.

The Whites of course moved on to further glory with Steve playing a major part (especially in celebrating the league and cup double by drinking scotch out of the cup with American Mike) until finally this year, Steve achieved true legend status and was accorded his life long nickname of Beefy. To be fair, he had only put on a little bit of weight from eating too much roast chicken and beef, but when Dennis said he was looking a bit chubby his fate was sealed.

Steve this year has become a true club man by playing some games in the B’s where he has thoroughly enjoyed being looked after by a good coach. I reckon old Beefy has a few more trophies left in him yet….but he is going to have to win them himself as he is a Southampton supporter, and will be achieving no glory in that direction.

 Posted by at 9:10 pm
Mar 262014

2000: Timmy (aka Kevin K of Super 5) joins the Whites along with Wookie in a Yak promoted cricket exchange program with Unley Cricket Club. He starts well in the midfield scoring in his second game. But alas, as with the Wook, the pull of the pub was too much for Tim.

2002: In a semi-triumphant return to the whites Timmy (whilst touring with Super 5) manages to join the Whites again, but shin splints keep him to just a handful of games.

2003: Returns in full flight and in fine form. Has made the right side of the B’s midfield his own this year with his quality reading of the play and his trademark shot over the bar.

Graeme: from 2000 end of year speech

Tim Smith (8 votes) – Improved a tremendous amount during the year and became an automatic selection on the left side as a hard running hard tackling player.

Profile 2: Tim Smith (Debbie Harry) – by Graeme (2001)

Poor Tim’s knee injury has restricted him to a few cameos this season but we all hope he gets it right for next year. The peroxide blonde looks and the flashing smile are a necessary part of the glamour of the Whites. Being a friend of Ben’s and Saf’s he has done well to be as good at soccer as he is.

Mar 262014

Hayden “Haydos Chopper Morgenstern” Smith has been the fangs of the Whites midfield for many years. Like a vicious rattlesnake, the talented young star strikes at will and from any position.

Signed from AC Milan in a Collegiate League record transfer, his Chopperness hasn’t let the Whites faithful down and repaid their blood sacrifices with the true foedbahl, glamour style.

A man whose media committments have often added to a larger than life public profile, has become an inspiration to youngsters everywhere by opening the “Hayden Smith ‘follow up and score’ Clinic” for goal impaired youngsters everywhere. His charity work recently earnt him the Blue Fat Cat, which was awarded by His Royal Highness King Bill II at a moving ceremony in the Stadium of White.

Chopper, he’s still got his ears.

Mar 262014

Olsen played a handful of matches in 2007 under Jim Muir.

His two claims to fame were:

  1. the longest hamstring injury in Uni Whites History. After getting injured in round 1, he didn’t return until round 18!
  2. being sent off for retaliation after a Mercedes bastard punched him in the back in the final match of the season.