Jun 282016

If you want to get on the first page of all time appearances, you need to start playing twice a week.  That’s exactly what Lewis “Teen Wolf” Whittenbury has been doing for the last season and a half and is almost there.  After a massive 29 matches in 2015, Lewis has already played 21 this year.  He has also now joined the revered 100 club in his 5th season at the club.


Now he just needs a player profile!

May 042015

Born and raised playing soccer on the rolling plains of London’s Hackney Marshes (allegedly the spiritual home of soccer), Matt knew he was destined for stardom from a young age.

Beginning his career as a pimply faced 17 year old with his local church Sunday school side in division 17 of the  Ex-Lax sponsored Hackney Sunday Pub League, Matt soon had the scouts (East Hackney Boy Scouts Brigade) flocking to admire his silky skills and range of one pass.

After a stand out season in 2009 (38 games, one goal and one assist), the Uni Whites made their move.  A long, drawn out transfer process saw the Whites break the bank and Steve Saf’s heart by trading six bottles of pale ale, on transfer deadline day, for the fleet footed midfielder’s creative vision, wizardry and trickery.

Hackney Marshes, the burnt out cars, abandoned fridges and the odd dead body on a pitch were soon a thing of the past, as Matt set about unlocking Collegiate League defences with his renowned range of one pass.

Outside of soccer Matt is a successful documentary writer and film directory. Some of his best work involves titles such as the Debbie Does Series, Harry Slotter and the Philosophers Bone, Shaving Ryan’s Privates and Skippy the Bush Kangaroo.

Matt also claims to have starred in the war time soccer classic Escape to Victory, as the stunt doubles for soccer legends Pele, Ossie Ardiles, John Wark and Sylvester Stallone (?).

As the years ticked by age began to take its toll on the body of the fifty (something) year old.  Following a glittering career in the A and B sides of the ‘Glamour’ Matt sought to prolong his playing days by dropping down the sides to ply his trade with the Whites C grade.

Bringing with him his now creaking right foot and crumbling body, Matt soon began to find his range of one pass and vision (with the main benefactor in chief of this being former White ‘Leg End’ and goal getter Richie Harris).

Sadly, Richie was lured away by the bright lights of Sydney at the end of the 2014 season and Matt became withdrawn and distant. A lone sad figure often found in the changing rooms, knees pulled tightly to his chest cradling and smelling a superman T-Shirt in memory of his departed team mate.

For a while it was touch and go if Matt would return to the Whites in 2015 or hang up the boots in honour of Richie.

To the delight of a few (?), Matt returned and (to date) can still be seen breaking forward from midfield on an odd occasion before breaking down full stop and hobbling off.

Apr 272015

Matt joined the mighty Whites in a controversial deal, after a long stint at Wimbledon ended with an altercation with fellow ‘hard man’ Vinnie Jones that saw Hawyes shipped off to the Antipodes, whilst Jones’ was sent to the US to become a B-grade actor.

The White’s C’s quickly snaffled Matty up & his impact was immediate. An intimidating figure in goals, Matty was soon marshalling the (sometime ragged) troops in defence & scaring the bajesus out of opposition strikers. This was important, because the C’s were largely a gentle lot & were badly in need of a bit of hardness.

Hawyes’ keeping was solid, but his ‘all-out attack on the opposition’ playing style meant he missed as many games as he played.

In 2014 then, after yet another injury (this time at work – chasing down a stolen car on foot & stopping it in its tracks) he switched his role to coach, as one half of the now infamous “Hot Fuzz” (along with Jacko) the team saw immediate success & were the only team to knock off the champions last season – Hawyes now refers to himself as the “Special One” (No, that’s not Jose Mourinho) after masterminding their downfall.

Matt’s passion for football knows no bounds & he leaves no stone unturned during the week when trying to work out his best team & tactics. This means long sessions on the phone with his ‘brains trust’. Ask any of the senior members of the C squad, some of the junior members, neighbours, close friends and even slight acquaintances who is the most likely to call them to talk tactics during the week… It’s Haweysey.

This season, the “Hot Fuzz” have completely revolutionised C Grade football & their squad’s mix of youth, experience & aggression mean the boys are gunning for the title.  With the Special One involved, who wouldn’t back them to do it?

 Posted by at 3:27 pm
Apr 142015

Born and raised with a stern Eastern block up-bringing Jacko spent his early years helping Uncle Yuri establish the family potato farm business in Uzbekistan.

Sixteen hours a day, seven days a week 365 days a year, rain or shine Jacko could be found in the families potato fields harnessed to a plough.

Raised the right way by Uncle Yuri the big man began to understand the real importance of life – Soccer, a woman with good child bearing hips and Potato Vodka.

What little spare time Jacko had he spent wondering the fields honing his ball skills and performing Keepie Uppies with a Morris Piper potato.

A booming surge in the family business saw Jacko migrate to South Australia, via Christmas Island, to assist Uncle Yuri in his quest for global expansion and ultimately world wide domination of the potato industry.

But Jacko became disillusioned with potatoes and began to have other dreams and other visions of glory and greatness.

Driven by his burning desire to succeed on the soccer pitch Jacko said his goodbyes to Uncle Yuri and set out on his own forging a career across the State and Federation Leagues of South Australia.

The big man quickly established himself as a robust no nonsense type of centre back with a smattering of finesse. Built on the ethos of hit hard, then harder the big fella enjoyed a ‘stella’ career. That was until he discovered Canadian Club and age caught up with him.

Stood at that inevitable cross roads in life that all old farts reach, bottle of Canadian Club in hand, the big man contemplated hanging up the boots and returning to work in the family fields.

That was until he saw the light.  A small tiny flame at first that grew stronger and stronger and brighter and brighter. Like the proverbial moth to a flame the big man was drawn to the light and found himself stood on the hallowed turf of ‘Le Glamour’.

Joining in 2014 as part of a new ‘yoof’ development policy Jacko quickly established himself as a starting centre back for the new look C team, and within four games had climbed to the dizzy heights of a coach.

What followed in 2014 is the stuff fairy tales are made of or for some nightmares as the C Team gave rise to the management duo ‘Hot Fuzz’.

Memories of 2014 quickly became distorted in a Canadian Club fuelled haze as the big man set about leading from the front and helping establish ‘Le Glamour’ as a force to be reckoned within the lower echelons of the Collegiate League.

Who knows what 2015 and beyond holds….







Mar 262014

Wearing army pants and thongs on a cold autumn night came a short dark haired olive skin man, “Hi man, can I play soccer here?” Bringing fire and passion, along with a very subtle feeling for the ball from his passionate football crazy country he immediately fell into place with the Uniwhites.

Playing confidently in a variety of positions from defensive midfielder to striker, he has earned his place in any line-up where good touch is appreciated. He is however also known for being cheeky… namely at training. Although a uni student studying mathematics, it seems he has trouble in counting the amount of repetitions he does, particularly regarding sit-ups.

Nevertheless he is the friendly guy that is always wearing a smile and is always trying to get back at Joe, and for that he will always be welcome in the Stad de Blanc. Jafar Alrashid is his name, but just call him Jaf.

Mar 262014

I’ve gotta say, Yuki fever is sweeping the whites faster than Yak goes through beers!!! Sure, he may have only played about 70 minutes in 5 weeks, but they were some of the sexiest minutes of football in whites history! Anyone who missed his backheel, well I’m sorry, words can’t do it justice.

Bought for a fee of 2 million Yen in a 3-way swap which meant we lost Marty Aspin to the Phillipines. We acquired Yuki from little known J-League 2 team Kyoto Reds at the start of the season. The whites had been looking for quality overseas players for a while, and decided to take Yuki over veterans Shinji Ono and Hidetoshi Nakata, purely for youth reasons… the whites already have too many senior citizens on their roster.

Japan is known for making things smaller and more efficient, and if that’s the case, there is nothing more efficient than Yuki’s shin guards. Japanese micro-technology has created shin guards so small that they can only be seen under an electron-microscope, however they are so strong they can withstand a grenade blast and even a Kevin Muscat tackle.

Suffice to say that our purchase of the pocket-rocket Yuki has already paid dividends, and we all hope that Yuki will send a championship back our way, and to continue to spread Yuki fever, I’ve already got my replica kit!!!

Mar 262014

Truly the colossus of the team, the rock that our spectacular mediocrity over the last 6 years in the B’s has been built on. “Woofer” shows sublime silky passing skills. Or at least he has the two times he has attempted to find a team mate in his illustrious career.

Mike is the language police of the club and always makes us remember that we can try harder to express ourselves in more creative ways. The Coaching staff at the club have taken this on board.

“Garbage” – Mike

 Posted by at 9:10 pm
Mar 262014

A self-described ladies man – he is the true “Cass-anova” of the Uni Whites.

After cutting his teeth as a junior at Lismore Thistles and Lennox Head Sharks – Cass was eventually lured to the glamour club with promises of big match payments, fast cars and fast women. Unfortunately – these were promises that would later prove to be false.

Now the lone Everton fan amongst the Whites – Cass, for some reason, lists his football hero as none other than Manchester United talisman – Ryan Giggs. It’s not hard to see why. With the exception of blistering pace, a decent left foot & Ryan’s penchant for backgammon – the resemblance is uncanny. Both Ryan & Cass are 31 years old.

“Mama” Cass has brought to the team his wealth of experience – and his extensive knowledge of fine wines. And just like a fine wine – Cass only expects to get better with age.

Famous Quote: “I’m open to bribery, a carton of pale and I’ll be yours for life.” – Cass during his wedding vows

(Note – Cass’ “carton of pale” comment may have been quoted out of context & may not have actually occurred during his nuptials).

Dave talks to Cass:

Your age now?

Your age when you first started playing football?

Like da food, da beer an da wimmin!

Married to Melanie, should have introduced you on the weekend.

Right or left footed?
Bit of both, although usually two left feet

Previous football clubs?
Lismore Thistles Juniors, Italo Stars & Lennox Head Sharks.

Preferred position?
Any, just as long as I’m on the pitch.

Favourite players or club?
Everton, the only team in Liverpool. Favourite player would be Ryan Giggs.

Your most proud Whites moment so far?
Just being part of the glamour.

Describe yourself in just one sentence…
Hanged by the neck until ye be dead…Oh, not that kind of sentence. Um, Casanova, world’s greatest lover, need I say more?

Mar 262014

AKA: Davolo Di Sampio

Dave “Attila the Hun” Sampson is best known for his crunching. He may be an exceptional dribbler, crosser or striker of the ball, but his contact with various body parts of the opposition is most memorable in the minds of all Collegiate League Players.

This pin-up boy of world soccer has gained many fans on and off the pitch due to his pop success in Adelaide miming sensations Super 5. Dave’s alter ego Jonny manages to be the Jeckyll and Hyde character which makes girls pump their groins in his general direction. This fluffy yodeller of Top 40 nonsense is so multi-talented he even starred in famed Director Ricoburn’s ghetto epic “5 Down”, as the man who knew how to crunch.

Even though he has been consistently at the forefront of the Uni Whites midfield attack, he has also found time to captain the greatest 5-a-side team of all time: DVDA. This outfit of superhuman endeavour and exaggerated penis sizes tasted the heights of Uni Gym success when they reduced Adelaide Uni Blacks Team “The Glory Boys” (former champions) to the “The Boys” and later “The” by wrenching the title out of their collective grasps with child-like ease.

Dave’s respect for the opposition has been marked by his appraisal of their efforts after they have been soundly beaten. His demonic cry of “Easy easy easy” shows that chivalry is not dead among the Uni Whites, though their opposition may be.

Currently doped up with morphine, Dave spends his time coaching hopeful talent Bec in the finer arts of confronting the opposition in mortal combat. Voted most likely to pack a Samurai sword for a soccer match, Dave is sure to be back in the A’s next year, as he knows where we all live and would wreak terrible vengeance on those who would dispute his claim as supreme overlord and ruler of anything he considers his domain.

Rumours that he is occasionally softly spoken are grossly exaggerated..

Mar 262014

The man with the unpronounceable surname became Poland’s brightest Hollywood Star in the 80s when he featured alongside little known American actor Tom Cruise in the action epic “Top Gun”.

As Lt Sergeant Hobbs (Codename: Albatross), he played the part of Cruise’s original wingman with such professional aplomb and cinematic flair that his famous lines:

“Bullshit. I knew your dad. He was a great pilot. So get in there and fly this baby, you crazy son of a bitch”

still gives goosebumps to women all over the world. It has also been recently adopted as the No. 1 motivational speech for the US Marines and our Pauly received an honorary PhD for his efforts.

He then starred in a few cereal commercials and was just in the process of accepting a starring role in Showgirls 2, when a lucrative transfer contract lured him away from his home club Sparta Prague into the folds of the glamour cradle.

The Uni Whites or Le Blanc quickly cherished the services of this gifted whirlwind of dribbling frenzy. Known to accelerate like Michael Schuhmacher, he has been known to score where others fall over the ball or would be lucky to even see the goal. In short Pauly has succeeded to create his own version of Hollywood in the hallowed grounds of the Stadium of White. Long may the legend continue and as Pauly said in his second major scene in “Top Gun”:

“You don’t just fly up there…”

Points to sky

“…you also fly in here”

Points to his heart.

Paul: “What’s the score?”

Rich: “One all”

Paul: “Whose way?”

Profile 2: Paul K (Sausage) by Graeme (2001)

Paul has spent most of the year recovering from an ankle injury but has shown flashes of brilliance. Being Polish he has added a nice touch to the ethnic mix at the club. His left foot shooting is a highlight and hopefully we will team him up with Romanian Mike before the end of the season in what would no doubt be a pass-a-thon.