Jun 292017

It was a dark and stormy night. Well actually no, it was just cold, but nowhere near as cold as Woodside. Actually wasn’t that dark either, as magically the lights stayed on for the whole game.

Nonetheless Unley looked perturbed, as they had a right too, and not just because they were Unley. And not just because we had smashed them weeks earlier, but mainly because Jon George was on the match sheet and had been named on Facebook as a full back. Now many more disturbing things concerning Jon have happened on Facebook but we are not allowed to talk about most of those. Or are we now that certain forces have gone to the dark side?

Anyway I digress.

Mohammed increased the level of Unley peturburance by some margin. He made them look silly on a number occasions and got in behind the defense a couple of times, but unfortunately was not able to seal the deal. It was only a matter of time.

Super coach Ryan (not a graduate of the Bres academy as far as I am aware) decided to change it up by bringing super sub Jon George onto the field. This resulted in Matt Bate moving into midfield and Jon going to centre back as promised. I have the suspicion this had more to do with the coaches hope that this would put an end to Matt Bate hoofing the ball, M Williams style up the field every time he had it. That can’t be true though as Matt was heard to say “only short passes” to his teammates so I must have that wrong.

Anyhow, this structural change did the world of good and led to the first goal with a blistering free kick from Omar. Now I think it was Omar, as all those Uni Students look the same to me……so young they sicken me………yet I digress again.

This is the way it stayed at half time. If we thought Unley were perturbed we had yet to hear Ryan’s half time speech. I have blocked it out for retrieving by my psychiatrist at a later date but it had to do with love and I quote “maybe in a sexual way”. The sub-context appeared to be he really wanted to share a win with his good friends. Plato be damned.
In any case, it must have worked as the Whites dominated the second half to win 6-0 including 2 goals from Ryan himself. The speedy right wing substitute (no not me but Abdul) proved to be a real handful as well, and the defensive back four were masterful all night. The midfield controlled the game and Wez was energetic, creative and looked almost quick!

As I was running the line for 65 minutes you can see the small details of the game escape me….however I was freed onto the pitch with 10 minutes to go and together with Jon George free from his arboreal chains, created havoc in the Unley defensive area. This lead to a penalty goal for Jon after some wonderful skill from yours truly. I will be set for a start next week for sure (sorry Joe you asked me to do this).

Unley still had time to have a man sent off and the game ended with everyone being thoroughly satisfied with a 6-0 whites win (I think Unley were happy for us too), including having a penalty saved. Could have been more but I was on the bench too long.

Can’t wait for next week………………..can you?

 Posted by at 12:12 pm
Mar 262014

Truly the colossus of the team, the rock that our spectacular mediocrity over the last 6 years in the B’s has been built on. “Woofer” shows sublime silky passing skills. Or at least he has the two times he has attempted to find a team mate in his illustrious career.

Mike is the language police of the club and always makes us remember that we can try harder to express ourselves in more creative ways. The Coaching staff at the club have taken this on board.

“Garbage” – Mike

 Posted by at 9:10 pm
Mar 262014

Jason is a left sided dynamo who was brought to the club by the Blanket at the start of 2003 and has become a permanent fixture on the left side of midfield, that is when the coach is not taking him off after 60 minutes.

Apart from working with Chris and having to miss every cup game on a holiday Monday Jase has fitted brilliantly into the Uni Whites culture. Any suggestion that the best thing he has done for the Club is to bring his cousin Pete along, is merely that, a suggestion, all be it a good one.

Jase possesses a booming left foot shot but like most of us, can’t kick it over a jam tin with his right foot. Jason showed great mental strength and restraint in the game when Kevin was playing left back and spent the whole game ahead of him on the pitch and is the epitome of a true team player.

A great taker of corners when Wez will let him, Jason is an invaluable asset to the B’s team and among the fist picked every week (yes even when we have more than eleven to chose from).

Just a shame like the Blanket he has the huge character flaw of following Port Adelaide. Hopefully he can stay out of jail.

 Posted by at 9:10 pm
Mar 262014

Ahhhhhhhhhh Justin, what can you say about a player with such immense talent…..who is always injured, sick or unavailable.

A great player for the Whites when he is up and firing and one who gives lie to the statement that you play how you train. If this was the case, Justin would spend the whole game on the ground stretching some real or imaginary injury.

Best know for his four goals in only twenty minutes on the field as a substitute, JB can kick like a mule off both sides of his body and is versatile enough to have played almost every position on the ground except for goalkeeper.

Also known for his fashion sense, as he can often be seen wearing a fawny coloured woollen jumper out to training, which I reckon would be especially useful in the wet.

Justin also has a young son, who is amazingly cute (but apparently very accident prone). I guess he gets his looks from his mum.

We all hope that JB is back next year and is fit and well as we need him in our side if we are going to improve on a fourth place finish.

 Posted by at 9:10 pm
Mar 262014

Calum is the epitome of the saying once a Scotsman always a Scotsman. Right from his language, custom and dress sense, he truly is a “non-cool” individual. But this is why we love him. Aussies love an easy target you know.

Cal arrived at the Club in the 2002 season, and immediately made an impression with his silky skills, hard running and deceptive pace. Not to mention his bandages, his shorts with pockets and his almost impenetrable Scottish accent.

It wasn’t really until the 2003 season though that Calum came of age as an A team regular with his flying runs down the “middle” of the park and his constant refrain of “in the middol, in the middol” (authentic Scottish spelling provided by Cal himself).

He finally got his shooting boots on and scored some cracking goals this year, most of this I think due to the fact he finally managed to allow for the bend provided by the ridiculous amount of vinyl tape that he has stuck around his boots just to keep them together. Who said Scots were tight wads??

Cal also has the distinction of being the only player in Whites history to score a hat trick before half time in a game and then get taken off!!

Calum’s wife and family have been regular attendees on the sidelines this year and in many cases the Uni South pitch has looked more like a crèche than an internationally renowned soccer stadium. There might be more than one reason for that!

Cal has also been a valuable member of the Uni Whites drinking eleven as he has somehow managed to juggle family and speech therapy commitments to sink many a pint of pale ale with the boys at either the O’Connell, the British or at Mojo’s. Drinking is second nature to Calum in fact, given that he is a Scotsman and believe it or not is actually studying bio-chemistry in the specialised area of beer brewing. (This is why he is going back home to Scotland in a job as an accountant!! -weird lad).

So when the sun goes down on Cal’s Uni Whites career at the end of the 2003 season, he shall have left an indelible legacy at the Club, namely, that he and Tim Fosdike probably go to the same fashion consultant!! (Actually it’s a shame Cal didn’t win the B’s best and fairest as he would have looked right at home in that jacket)

 Posted by at 9:10 pm
Mar 262014

Are You Mad? You would have to be to coach the Uni Whites and Mr Whitehouse fits this category to a tea.

After years touring the semi-professional soccer circuit in England, with stints at clubs in cities ranging from Liverpool, Chester, Manchester, Newcastle, Isle of Man and Wormwood Scrubs, John decided to bring his under appreciated talents to Australia.

John has a one year spell at the Whites to begin with which was interrupted with another trip back to England. Thus in 96, the Whites were coached by Jan and we won our first major trophy. John came back in 97 and took advantage of all Jan’s hard work in the following years with multiple honours bestowed.

John is the only coach in the league who has a personal sponsor in Nike, which involves him wearing only their products to the exclusion of all others. Thus, John is the only person in the world to have Nike toilet paper. Trust me, I have seen it.

John’s dress sense is also a frequent point of discussion on the terraces, as his habit of turning up in the middle of winter wearing shorts and singlet (Nike of course) has been questioned as just a tad, mad, should we say. It may be that he wants to show off his freshly tanned body straight from the solarium, glistening with the most recently applied 10th coast of Vaseline, moisturisers, lubricant and every other beautification product known to man.

But enough of the personal stuff, lets talk about John’s tactics… Right then, what’s next?

John shall continue to be the Whites spiritual leader for the foreseeable future, as let’s face it, no one could ever live up to the standards John has set in his time in the job and as we all know, it would be no fun if the substitutes actually got a run on a Saturday afternoon, plus Richie might actually win a best and fairest if someone else took over, and we couldn’t be having that now.

(Note: he wouldn’t if I took over as Simon Ward would get the votes every week, even if he didn’t play).

In case you didn’t know John is a proud Englishman even though he has been living off the fat of this country for years (yes very poor form), and he has taken one of our best women (very good form if you can get it).

John is a very good business man, just don’t ask him about the Polish Problem.

There’s only one John Whitehouse, and thank God for that. That’s It.

 Posted by at 9:10 pm
Mar 262014

Beefy Thornett is a Uni Whites legend from way back, and despite a chequered history, he can truly be considered to be one of the true believers.

In his early days at the Whites, Steve played in the old black and grey chequered shirt as if there was no tomorrow as he streaked up and down the field like a bolt of lightning. Combining with Armin to score multiple goals, Steve was a hero to many, and an enigma to all. The fact he was bosom bodies with Alex and John Whitehouse was a concern to many of us, but we were willing to forgive him… until…

…his name became mud at the Whites for a few years when he jumped ship to go and play for one of the evil empires at the Blues, who promptly won the triple crown, mainly thanks to his goal scoring efforts.

Beefy did not come out of this era unscathed of course as he found that he had many stud marks down the back of his legs, compliments of Jan, Dave Sampson and anyone else from the Whites that was quick enough to get close enough to him to foul him. As many of us would know, Beefy spends a lot of his time on the soccer field on the ground, but this reached new levels of absurdity in his games against the Whites as he became target number one.

The highlight of Steve’s years at the Blues was the cup semi final between the Whites and the Blues, when the Blues were leading 1-0 with two minutes to go, until up popped Jim Vinecombe to score two goals and send the Blue’s packing. Steven had never been happier and the Whites laughed really hard too.

Time passed of course and then Beefy realised the error of his ways, and he came home to where he truly belonged. A person can only take so much of Chris Hartley you know.

The Whites of course moved on to further glory with Steve playing a major part (especially in celebrating the league and cup double by drinking scotch out of the cup with American Mike) until finally this year, Steve achieved true legend status and was accorded his life long nickname of Beefy. To be fair, he had only put on a little bit of weight from eating too much roast chicken and beef, but when Dennis said he was looking a bit chubby his fate was sealed.

Steve this year has become a true club man by playing some games in the B’s where he has thoroughly enjoyed being looked after by a good coach. I reckon old Beefy has a few more trophies left in him yet….but he is going to have to win them himself as he is a Southampton supporter, and will be achieving no glory in that direction.

 Posted by at 9:10 pm
Jul 152013

When I arrived at the ground on Saturday to be met by a flock of Ibis sitting in the middle of the pitch I should have known it was a bad omen.  This was especially so when I went to take a photo and the whole flock of about 20 birds flew away in a Damon like moment ( Gregorian chanting faintly echoing in my ears).

When the referee arrived he said that the pitch wasn’t playable and he would call the game off.  Yet another sign that we should all go to the pub.  Unfortunately, insanity prevailed and we decided the play the game anyway.

The first half of the first half was a very reasonable performance as we shot away to a 3-1 lead and could have a had a couple of others but for some luck and a very good save by their keeper.

A very good first goal from Jan, form outside the box curled into the top left corner, set the tone, followed by another good goal and a well taken penalty after a clear handball.  In between those two goals UniSA got one of their own after the midfield and defence decided to go to sleep and let the opposition run amok.

Once we had scored the penalty though (very well put away by Chad), you would have thought UniSA would crumble under relentless White pressure. Sadly this was not to be as the game completely changed and UnisA dominated the last 20 minutes of the half.  Their midfielders were given time on the ball and their forwards passed and ran well to create a multitude of chances, some of which were saved or stopped, but two of which found their way into the goals.

At half time, some harsh words were said by yours truly and Janos Kouros and the team came out more energised in the second half, despite the pitch resembling a potato patch.  A very wet and sodden potato patch.

What happened next will not quickly be forgotten by all those in attendance, though observers’ stories differ very markedly as to what occurred. A common thread does seem  be that goalkeeper somehow was possessed.  By what is unclear.  Perhaps by the spirit of an uncoordinated elephant, or perhaps by some sort of evil spirit.  Nevertheless, UniSA scored two quick goals, whilst the goalkeeper’s mind was otherwise engaged, with one going straight through his legs (see this is why he must have been possessed, because given how fat his thighs are it was inconceivable the ball would fit through them it if was a natural event), and another going into the top corner, when the ball should have landed on the penalty spot.  Truly bizarre events.

In all seriousness, I humbly apologise for two shocking errors. Whilst obviously no one tries to make mistakes, I do understand how deflating these types of incidents are to the rest of the team.

So now UniSA led 5-3 and despite some excellent spirit and endeavour being shown by the Whites we were unable to bridge the gap.  Chad in particular worked really hard both in defence and up front and was denied only by another excellent save from the UniSA keeper.

So a 5-3 loss on a day that was truly for the ducks and the Ibis.  However, given that it’s all about playing the game with glamour I guess we can’t be too upset that we did in fact play the game.  Dealing with triumph and disaster is indeed a true test of what it is to be a man, and I think the Whites do it better than most.  As another Ashes campaign starts off with a very close loss, as the Crows season goes down the toilet, at least I can reflect on the fact that despite removing 5kg of mud from my playing gear, despite having a horrible loss in poor conditions, that at 41 years of age I am still playing for me beloved whites (though for how much longer who knows) and that there’s always next week. That’s It.

 Posted by at 7:51 pm
May 152013

The A’s proved far too good for a solid and determined Immanuel side at the Stadium of White.   The Whites forwards certainly butchered plenty of other chances, however the total dominance of the Whites resulted in Chris Gayen being seen on the left wing for stages of the second half, as well as getting off a fierce left foot shot , that dribbled to the keeper.

Woejindows still managed to put in a string of unnecessarily heavy tackles and Dan Aiken managed to do nothing of any note.  In danger of being dropped if his listlessness continues in future weeks.

I have no idea who scored the goals as I was more watching the Blacks smash SPOC off the park and teasing George about Sir Alex Ferguson.  So all in all a good week.

 Posted by at 1:21 pm
Apr 172013

Well the Uni White’s D’s turned out in force for the first real match of the season. Having 11 players plus a few subs and some supporters was a great start, but unfortunately it went downhill from there.

After about two minutes, we had our first casualty of the day with Rob Alberton going off which we think is a calf injury but may very well just have been old age.

We soaked up some early pressure with Bobbie and Pete being quite good at the back.  Our problems arose when we started being too cute and not kicking the ball out when under pressure.

The first goal came from a cross from the right which was met with a towering header into the top corner leaving the goalkeeper with no chance.  I promise not to bang on about myself in this report, except to say that I apologise for my performance and letting in five goals.  Not good enough.  Drop me for two weeks as a punishment.

The second goal was one of those ping pong own goals that really was just bad luck, but then again the ball should have been cleared.

The White’s also had a goal of their own disallowed, after the keeper picked up a back pass.  The Whites played on straight away and put the ball in the net but the referee pulled play back.  Now the fact we didn’t have a proper ref probably stuffed us and its really unfair to blame Dan for getting that decision wrong, but we will anyway.

So we went into half time two goals down and disappointed to not be a bit closer.

We played a lot better in the second half but still managed to concede three soft goals, including one with the last kick of the game.  Another one from a goal mouth scramble ended up with the keeper pushing the ball into the net rather than saving it.  A real blonde moment.

Given that it was the first league game of the season and some guys were still introducing themselves to each other by the end of the game, I am sure we can improve on that performance next week, particularly as we will have a different goalkeeper.

Horses Player of the Year – No votes awarded.

 Posted by at 6:27 pm