Armin Mayer

Mar 262014

The best British football export to our fair continent since Peter Beardsley played two matches in the domestic league, this tall wunderkind from Leeds has adoring Whites fans everywhere holding their breath when he’s on the pitch.

Self-critical of his own skills and one of the tallest players in the team, he naturally rates heading the ball as one of the weaker aspects of his game.

Like a plucky George Best he has also toyed with the odd liver or kidney transplant, but has so far been unable to get a week off from the Drinking XI.

Hard to understand, because he pronounces his words correctly, Ryan mostly communicates through an interpreter which has only added to his already growing legendary status in the Whites Hall of Fame.

The Next Generation of Glory is upon us.

Mar 262014

Jan is easily the most offensive of all the Uni Whites players to the opposition teams. This Tupac of the Collegiate League takes it upon himself to be as loud and obnoxious as he possibly can to unnerve such precious opponents as Mercedes and Wusstrevor.

He is multi-talented as he whinges, abuses, tackles and falls over for the benefit of the referee and his millions of adoring fans all over the world. This may result in the occasional red card for himself or whoever happens to be nearby, but such trivialities will never worry or shake the big man.

Legend knows him by many names: The Karate Kid, the Bandanna Bandit and Jan Cube (?) are terms of honour relating to his magnificent display of headbands throughout each Uni White season.

I would list Janus amongst the soccer greats of Germany (ie. Beckenbauer, Walter, Seeler, Pfitzner, Muller and Rummenigge), however after recent controversial developments his right to membership in the Teutonic master race has been questioned and we await further news.

Jan is a dinosaur of the Whites and has been spreading his glamour since 1992, being a major part of the club’s transformation into the Brazil of the Collegiate League. Not even a drop off the roof which cracked his head wide open and left millions of teenage girls everywhere holding their breath for his speedy recovery, could stop this Conan of football. He returned like Terminator and youngsters everywhere should tattoo his headband on their arse to honour the White Knight.

His positions over the years have included keeper, Libero, any back, any midfield area, but he has been barred from the front line, as Collegiate League goalkeepers may not be ready for his version of “No Retreat – No Surrender”.

Janus is also an excellent host and since he has acquired a foosball table, he should be in the A’s starting 11 every week to ensure he stays with the team that is proud to call him one of its own and keeps hosting his formidable get togethers with his partner in crime – Tania (a real German as we have been informed).

To conclude I would like to honour Jan with a poem:

In the Stadium of White,
Stands a man they can’t break,
And he yells in defence,
“Get back for f**k’s sake.”

If you think how much fuss they made about the Lone Ranger, I’m sure everyone would love to be Jan’s Tonto.

Mar 262014

Hayden “Haydos Chopper Morgenstern” Smith has been the fangs of the Whites midfield for many years. Like a vicious rattlesnake, the talented young star strikes at will and from any position.

Signed from AC Milan in a Collegiate League record transfer, his Chopperness hasn’t let the Whites faithful down and repaid their blood sacrifices with the true foedbahl, glamour style.

A man whose media committments have often added to a larger than life public profile, has become an inspiration to youngsters everywhere by opening the “Hayden Smith ‘follow up and score’ Clinic” for goal impaired youngsters everywhere. His charity work recently earnt him the Blue Fat Cat, which was awarded by His Royal Highness King Bill II at a moving ceremony in the Stadium of White.

Chopper, he’s still got his ears.

Mar 262014

AKA: Davolo Di Sampio

Dave “Attila the Hun” Sampson is best known for his crunching. He may be an exceptional dribbler, crosser or striker of the ball, but his contact with various body parts of the opposition is most memorable in the minds of all Collegiate League Players.

This pin-up boy of world soccer has gained many fans on and off the pitch due to his pop success in Adelaide miming sensations Super 5. Dave’s alter ego Jonny manages to be the Jeckyll and Hyde character which makes girls pump their groins in his general direction. This fluffy yodeller of Top 40 nonsense is so multi-talented he even starred in famed Director Ricoburn’s ghetto epic “5 Down”, as the man who knew how to crunch.

Even though he has been consistently at the forefront of the Uni Whites midfield attack, he has also found time to captain the greatest 5-a-side team of all time: DVDA. This outfit of superhuman endeavour and exaggerated penis sizes tasted the heights of Uni Gym success when they reduced Adelaide Uni Blacks Team “The Glory Boys” (former champions) to the “The Boys” and later “The” by wrenching the title out of their collective grasps with child-like ease.

Dave’s respect for the opposition has been marked by his appraisal of their efforts after they have been soundly beaten. His demonic cry of “Easy easy easy” shows that chivalry is not dead among the Uni Whites, though their opposition may be.

Currently doped up with morphine, Dave spends his time coaching hopeful talent Bec in the finer arts of confronting the opposition in mortal combat. Voted most likely to pack a Samurai sword for a soccer match, Dave is sure to be back in the A’s next year, as he knows where we all live and would wreak terrible vengeance on those who would dispute his claim as supreme overlord and ruler of anything he considers his domain.

Rumours that he is occasionally softly spoken are grossly exaggerated..

Mar 262014

El Presidente, Davoldo Laninio was knighted for his services to soccer by Her Majesty the Queen in January of 2003. It is no more than this midfield genius of the game deserves.

His playing history before donning the pearly white is mysterious, as the gutter press has previously linked him to inferior teams, but the club administrators have toiled endlessly to set the record straight.

A crucial component of that most famed of all indoor teams, DVDA, Big Daddy was instrumental in securing a number of premierships for the Whites and the aforementioned glory conglomerate.

Best known for his ability to get upset with his own efforts during a game and then to enter a period of sulking before stealing the ball at the half-way line going around the entire opposition’s defence and midfield and calmly slotting home from outside the box. His march back to the Whites’ half is then still a disgruntled muttering about having a “shit game” which basically signals he will score another one in five minutes time. Various coaches have started to make use of this phenomenon as well as his fellow players. Some will take him aside before the opening whistle to tell him he’s “playing like crap”, to pull his “finger out” or to “get into the game”. This has often resulted in Dave scoring a hat trick and deep depression on his part after winning 8-0.

Big Daddy is a player who is universally liked by all. Even when he holds on to the opposition goalkeeper at corners, makes a two-footed tackle from behind or jumps into another player’s back, his sincere “sorry” instantly wipes the tears away and makes the opposition want to come in for a group hug.

Says Matt Butler (both legs broken from a Dave “sorry” tackle”):

“Love that guy. I know he didn’t mean it. He put both hands up in the air and everything. I’ll get him a present as soon as I’m better.”

And so we salute you Lord David. Long may you continue to reign and bring joy to millions.

Mar 262014

Since he has joined the club, Danny has established himself as one of the Whites goalkeeping greats. An ex-childcare worker and kindergarten teacher, Danny turned to soccer for therapeutic reasons and has made great progress in his anger management classes.

That’s why he now always has a friendly word of advice or encouragement for a beaten opponent. He even let’s them choose from three options:

  1. Losing is nature’s way of saying you suck.
  2. You suck.
  3. You and your mates are a bunch of

If you’ve seen some of the saves Danny has made in matches you would have to agree that Gordon Banks is a

In fact the only reason why Schwarzenegger or van Damme have never been goalkeepers in movies is because they’re

Clint Eastwood? Yeah Danny  him.

He was also rumoured to have been Stallone’s goalkeeping coach in “Escape to Victory” and, as we all know, Sly gave a sterling performance as the man who should have stuck to boxing.

The great Aikin spent most of one season playing keeper for the As and the Bs, because there was no other goalkeeper available to carry the burden. Like Atlas he carried the club on his mighty shoulders, until Jewel Jackson stepped in to help out.

Let’s face it, we wouldn’t swap Danny for Seaman, Kahn or Given, because:

  1. they’re
  2. Danny once played in the Muppets Band
  3. no other keeper would put up with the As

Being a goalkeeper is possibly the toughest job on the pitch. It gets lonely, man. Word. And Danny has spent many hours watching us up all over the place and why…

…because we’re

So raise your glasses in appreciation of the great man and toast to Danny as his eyes find yours and he says with feeling:

“Ey, what are you looking at, pretty boy?”

A legend in our time.

Mar 262014

The Professor of Modern Football and Master of the flash hat trick is enjoying his second season at White “Hard” Lane. A cunning trickster, Alvin distinguishes himself by having the speed and the foot skills to drive defenders crazy. Will he make an assault on the 6 goal record this season? Only time will tell…and of course the Uni Blacks will have to rejoin the league.

Mar 262014

William Bill “Charlton” Hill started his illustrious soccer career with Leicester in the English Second Division before leading the Australian National Team to the 1974 World Cup Finals. After a heroic effort against the Germans where he left Hoeness scoreless, the Aussies claimed their first point against Chile. The fifth continent had arrived.

During the tournament, tensions with Captain John Warren and Soccer Australia, played a substantial part in Bill’s decision to retire from international football and to see out his playing career with Grasshoppers Zurich.

On his return to Australia, a restless Bill became one of the many pioneers to strengthen the beautiful game on the homefront.

The year was 1981 when the great man became the founder of Australia’s most glamorous soccer club (possibly the world), the Adelaide Uni White(s). Bill, the father of the flair, created an environment where each player was free to express himself and dazzle his opponents like an exploding sun.

Very much the centre of the team, Bill laboured throughout the eighties with the help of Assistant Coach Ron “Ramsey” Hill, to prepare the club for world domination.

The breakthrough finally arrived, when Bill and Ron’s tireless efforts on the transfer market provided them with a truly international side, whose fame soon began to equal the legendary “Breslau Elf”.

A record breaking ’92 season followed, where the Nappy Sanned ones scored 126 goals in 20 matches and didn’t drop a point to go up to the first division. The foundation for the expansion of the club had been laid. New coaching staff was hired, as Bill preferred the role of mentor and club president in order to develop the Glory Bunch.

Still, anyone who has ever seen him play will bet money on the fact, that even when he is a hundred years old, he will still come off the bench, put one in the top corner and show us how to “keep it on the deck”.

Viva El Cid Bill !!!

“Kick it in the air on the ground” – Bill

“We’d do better if we put the ball in the goals” – Bill

Sprinting practice: “Start with little steps and then get bigger as you go faster” – Bill

“At least my name doesn’t rhyme!” – Some antagonist


Mar 262014

Ex-Mexican born porn star Miguel Pablo Enchilada Martinez changed his name to the less extravagant Wele “Chip” Heavenly the Dwyght Andy Cole after he became romantically linked with Icelandic super model turned TV hostess Ro Rowenson. This was hot on the heels of his two most commercially viable porn ventures “Bambi Blows” and “Bambi Blows Too”, which are still available from all K-Mart stores around the country and were the essential blue print for the Mighty Ducks series.

Wele had had a brief stint in the Mexican Under 12s national soccer side, before a goa T injury pushed him out of the team. However, after months of surgery the silky skilled dreamboat relocated to Australia with his partner and set about resurrecting his soccer career.

Joining the world’s most glamorous side on arrival he dazzled defenders everywhere by occasionally taking on three on a space the size of a postage stamp and still managing to get his shot off.

Wele became the world’s pin-up boy when he joined BOYZONE as the original Ronan Keating. However, musical differences saw him split from the group after the first album when he took to songwriting and later penned the fake Ronan’s much celebrated hit “Life is a Rollercoaster”.

Wele was an integral part of the world’s greatest 5-a-side team DVDA and caused sensations everywhere when he managed to chip the keeper in a goal that was only about 1 meter 20 high. He also managed to score from the half-way line etc…

Has been known to cause coaches to buy chainsaws in an attempt to remove his heels before he goes out to play the game.

Wele’s most admired character traits are his patience and encouraging words for team mates when he is wearing the celebrated white.

A softly spoken gentleman of the game, his example has been an inspiration to youngsters everywhere and it has been said that this superstar will single-handedly reinstate good sportsmanship as the most important feature of any sporting contest.


Mar 262014

A member of the Fantastic Four, Simon turned his incredible elongation skills to dramatic use when he decided to join the Nappy Sanned ones. His tentacle like legs seem to stretch for a minimum of 20 meters at any given time. He has been known to stop an attacker’s shot on the goal line while standing in the opposition’s penalty box.

The familiar cry of “Simmo’s” has not only caused bed wetting problems for opposition strikers, but is also the first word Whites exposed babies learn to say due to its frequency (3 times per 5 seconds).

Like a force of nature “Simmo’s” is usually followed by a thunderous header, occasionally cracking an opposition player’s skull like an Easter egg when Simon doesn’t make clean contact with the ball.

Surrounded by a team of senior citizens, Simon used his unfair advantages of speed, skill and stamina to claim the club’s best and fairest trophy during his first season in 2001. If we give in to youth now, what will be next? Speed trials? Let’s hope not.

Blinded by the dazzling glory of the satin sheeted ones, Simon was nevertheless disturbed when his first game for the club was played without proper strips, regulation goals and an accredited referee, prompting the immortal question: “What have I stepped into?”

Just the glamour Simon, just the glamour.