Mar 262014

The man with the unpronounceable surname became Poland’s brightest Hollywood Star in the 80s when he featured alongside little known American actor Tom Cruise in the action epic “Top Gun”.

As Lt Sergeant Hobbs (Codename: Albatross), he played the part of Cruise’s original wingman with such professional aplomb and cinematic flair that his famous lines:

“Bullshit. I knew your dad. He was a great pilot. So get in there and fly this baby, you crazy son of a bitch”

still gives goosebumps to women all over the world. It has also been recently adopted as the No. 1 motivational speech for the US Marines and our Pauly received an honorary PhD for his efforts.

He then starred in a few cereal commercials and was just in the process of accepting a starring role in Showgirls 2, when a lucrative transfer contract lured him away from his home club Sparta Prague into the folds of the glamour cradle.

The Uni Whites or Le Blanc quickly cherished the services of this gifted whirlwind of dribbling frenzy. Known to accelerate like Michael Schuhmacher, he has been known to score where others fall over the ball or would be lucky to even see the goal. In short Pauly has succeeded to create his own version of Hollywood in the hallowed grounds of the Stadium of White. Long may the legend continue and as Pauly said in his second major scene in “Top Gun”:

“You don’t just fly up there…”

Points to sky

“…you also fly in here”

Points to his heart.

Paul: “What’s the score?”

Rich: “One all”

Paul: “Whose way?”

Profile 2: Paul K (Sausage) by Graeme (2001)

Paul has spent most of the year recovering from an ankle injury but has shown flashes of brilliance. Being Polish he has added a nice touch to the ethnic mix at the club. His left foot shooting is a highlight and hopefully we will team him up with Romanian Mike before the end of the season in what would no doubt be a pass-a-thon.

Mar 262014

Like Frankenstein’s creation, the Ubermensch can not be stopped. Half-machine and half-legend, the 2005 Best Team Man of the Glamour is all that foedball (Les Murray) athletes have become known for in the naughties. The only man in the Whites who considers the 2.2 as a mere extension of a lap, he has distinguished himself not only on the pitch, but also by shouldering more than his fair share of responsibility throughout the season. Children everywhere are attempting to pronounce his surname, while forcing their mothers to sow it on their favourite soccer shirt. From now on we know there is a “K” in Glamour.

Mar 262014

After a stellar mixed netball career which took “henna” to the lofty heights of the woodlands indoor sports centre front bar, and a brief stint taking money off north london’s homeless playing five-a-side while drunk on the tube, Pete joined the Whites on a freelance basis towards the end of the 2005 season.

He was quickly romanced by the glamour, saying that the sight of Bill Hill striding out to pick up the nets on a saturday made him “Go all gooey”, not to mention his love of repeating everything german mike says for his own amusement. Confident that he could win a permanent spot on the left or right hand side of the much vaunted b’s defence, Pistol Pete has become a fixtured utility player off the bench and is making great strides towards his goal of becoming “the new glove”, shutting down collegiate league primadonna’s with far superior natural ability and talent.

When not feeding his roost of poison chickens or scratching around bins for old brashes cd vouchers, Pete can be seen down the port, either kayaking, mixing it with his favourite dredgers or streaming webcams from his landlords beachside flat of the various international recalcitrants who frequent it. A student of the old school “kick it as hard as you can and then worry about where it goes later”, Pete is looking forward to being part of the next generation of whites pub heroes.

Mar 262014

Olsen played a handful of matches in 2007 under Jim Muir.

His two claims to fame were:

  1. the longest hamstring injury in Uni Whites History. After getting injured in round 1, he didn’t return until round 18!
  2. being sent off for retaliation after a Mercedes bastard punched him in the back in the final match of the season.
Mar 262014

Anthony first arrived at the Uni Whites in the pre-season draft of 2001 – a year which also netted fellow Blacky boys, now super-stars Dan Bushe, Hayden Smith, Julian Malone & Sabbir Gaffar. John Whitehouse quickly spotted Anthony’s talent & immediately put him to work rotating from striker to the bench and back.

Not surprisingly, Anthony quickly became disillusioned with his lot at the whites, as one game he’d start and play a blinder, while the next week he’d be warming the bench. As enigmatic as Anthony’s career on the field was, it was equally so off it. Anthony was renowned for ‘going missing’, sometimes for seasons at a time. The hardest part for the Whites management was trying to keep their young charge focussed, as women, partying & wine appreciation were amusing distractions, resulting in just a handful of games played each season.

In 2007 though, the wild man appears to have subsided, and with it, his erratic strikers temperament. Instead we see the fiercely determined, tough as nails defender, who’s only love is to stand behind the ½ way line, repelling attack after attack, his only desire to kick the ball as far as he can. Gone are the mazy runs through the midfield, the dodges, the parries… Now starts a new chapter in the amazing soccer career of the man known as the Enigma, the life of a defender…

 Posted by at 9:10 pm
Mar 262014

Nick joined the Uni Whites at the start of the 2003 season. He, like so many others, was drawn to the club’s reputation. He also knew that he’d outgrown those Mercedes ponces and there was no future for him as an old scholar. He wanted the Glamour.

Like Danni Minogue and Mark Waugh before him, Nick was the younger, less talented and less known sibling of a well established superstar. Just like Danni, Nick went through a phase of skimpy outfits, big hair and self-inflicted controversy: anything to emerge from the all-encompassing shadow of the one they call Octopussy. He didn’t care how he got there. But nothing he did could get him into the spotlight.

He took a few weeks off in frustration, under the guise of rebreaking his leg soon into the season. It fooled nobody. The tabloids had his number. No-one breaks their leg twice in one season. The paparazzi followed him on his layoff and produced pictures of him attending Tony Robbins’ Motivational Seminars. It was all out in the open, he was finished, surely…

But he had what he wanted. Publicity. He didn’t care how he got it. When he came back he was fitter, more confident and with an eye for goal. Two goals in the last 10 minutes to set up the win against Pulteney, and then another brace against the might of Rostrevor in the Cup Semi Final. Who knows what caused this turnaround. Many say that Tony changed Nick’s career for ever. But those in the know knew what had happened. It was the fame. The goddamn fame.

Picking up the A’s top team man for 2003 was just the beginning. But would it last? It was what he always wanted, but now he has it, how will he handle it? He has already started to follow in Simo’s footsteps, gulping down softies after a game like they were the last drink he’d ever have.

He’s joined in with his brother’s band of soccer groupies. But ever-increasingly those around beg the question: Whose groupies are they? Are they still Simo’s, with Nick just tagging along, or have they changed allegiance, and is Simo on the outer?

I for one think this is just the beginning…

Mar 262014

Truly the colossus of the team, the rock that our spectacular mediocrity over the last 6 years in the B’s has been built on. “Woofer” shows sublime silky passing skills. Or at least he has the two times he has attempted to find a team mate in his illustrious career.

Mike is the language police of the club and always makes us remember that we can try harder to express ourselves in more creative ways. The Coaching staff at the club have taken this on board.

“Garbage” – Mike

 Posted by at 9:10 pm
Mar 262014

In the summer of 2001, it looked like the Whites were rid of the man known to almost everyone as the “Black Hole of Footballs”, and to a select, lucky few as Marty Aspin.

However, little did we know that, waiting in the wings, was a ready-made replacement. A tall, lanky dark-haired Eastern European hailing from Romania.

The man with the silky skills at first looked out of his depth during glamour training sessions, struggling with the physical aspect of the Hard Men of the Whites, and it seemed as if he would follow in the footsteps of other dud iron curtain recruits such as Istvan Kozma & Torben Piechnik.

He seemed destined for reserve football at best, and so it happened. Languishing in the 2nd team, he struggled, only scoring 30-odd goals in his two seasons of mid-table mediocrity.

In season 2004, however, after some retirements & transfers, it looks as though the man destined never to make it by some ill-informed bystanders is set to make his mark on the upper echelons of the Collegiate Leage with the Glamour.

We wait with baited breath………….

 Posted by at 9:10 pm
Mar 262014

Continuing the proud Whites tradition of fielding German players of exceptional quality, the mighty Krause came to us from the centre of the beloved Kraut and Beerland to become a midfield Warrior in the Stadium of White.

A star amongst stars, this concoction made from 1/3 Beckenbauer and 2/3 Beckham has quickly become known for both his on and off the field antics.

A man of pointy elbows and a penchant for scoring for the Drinking XI, this modern day Conan has defenders shivering in their boots (unless we are playing PAC and then it’s probably too hot for them to be shivering).

The mists of glory reveal their secrets only to the worthy and Mikey K has wandered through this fog to take his place in the House of Whites legends at the foot of our revered leader Bill Hill.

Krause fur immer.

Mar 262014

Mohammad came to the Whites late 2007, one of the many who just seem to wander in to the Stadium of White.

In his fleeting appearances in 2007 (4 games) it was instantly obvious that our new import from Saudi Arabia had loads of talent, the hard bit for the Whites was for us to get him to play for the season.

Mohammad’s first touch in his first game for the ‘napisanned’ ones was a goal (making him only the second ever white to ‘Pull a Hilal‘). This in a 3-0 win over Pembroke.

Mo then went missing for that infamous game in the Victoria Park racecourse, and we thought perhaps we had just gained another player who would come and go as he pleased.

However, in the next two games Mo also scored goals, and amazingly the scorelines were again both 3-0.

Unfortunately for us, in his fourth game he tore a hamstring against Rostrevor, prematurely ending his season and also ending our run of three goal wins.

He always promised however to be back and raring to go for the next season!

In 2008 Mohammad did come back… Back with a vengeance! As early on in the season it seemed as though his goal scoring run would continue all year. The highlight has to be the lobbed header from the edge of the box against Rostrevor, amazing in itself, but even more so when you consider he was not even facing the goals at the time, and yet still placed it perfectly into the far corner.

Mohammad seems to have an innate ability to know just when his opponent is about to tackle him, because he seems to always be able to move the ball on, just a fraction before the defender hits, he’s also deceptively strong and quick, even though it often look as though he’s barely jogging up the pitch.

The little maestro has been a revelation at the Whites this year, and has been exciting enough for one former Uni White coach to call him ‘The X Factor’.