John “Are You Mad?” Whitehouse
Are You Mad? You would have to be to coach the Uni Whites and Mr Whitehouse fits this category to a tea.
After years touring the semi-professional soccer circuit in England, with stints at clubs in cities ranging from Liverpool, Chester, Manchester, Newcastle, Isle of Man and Wormwood Scrubs, John decided to bring his under appreciated talents to Australia.
John has a one year spell at the Whites to begin with which was interrupted with another trip back to England. Thus in 96, the Whites were coached by Jan and we won our first major trophy. John came back in 97 and took advantage of all Jan’s hard work in the following years with multiple honours bestowed.
John is the only coach in the league who has a personal sponsor in Nike, which involves him wearing only their products to the exclusion of all others. Thus, John is the only person in the world to have Nike toilet paper. Trust me, I have seen it.
John’s dress sense is also a frequent point of discussion on the terraces, as his habit of turning up in the middle of winter wearing shorts and singlet (Nike of course) has been questioned as just a tad, mad, should we say. It may be that he wants to show off his freshly tanned body straight from the solarium, glistening with the most recently applied 10th coast of Vaseline, moisturisers, lubricant and every other beautification product known to man.
But enough of the personal stuff, lets talk about John’s tactics… Right then, what’s next?
John shall continue to be the Whites spiritual leader for the foreseeable future, as let’s face it, no one could ever live up to the standards John has set in his time in the job and as we all know, it would be no fun if the substitutes actually got a run on a Saturday afternoon, plus Richie might actually win a best and fairest if someone else took over, and we couldn’t be having that now.
(Note: he wouldn’t if I took over as Simon Ward would get the votes every week, even if he didn’t play).
In case you didn’t know John is a proud Englishman even though he has been living off the fat of this country for years (yes very poor form), and he has taken one of our best women (very good form if you can get it).
John is a very good business man, just don’t ask him about the Polish Problem.
There’s only one John Whitehouse, and thank God for that. That’s It.